I regret the day I stumbled upon the letter. I was browsing through old books at may aunt’s dusty library in her attic when two sheets of paper fell from an old copy of Danielle Steele’s “crossings” Without any conscious thought, I casually opened the folded sheet and read,
“Dear dids,
Happy first anniversary darling! Thank you for coming into my life. . Last night was incredible. . That was the first time you opened up yourself to me and allowed me to be intimate with you. . Thank you for the massage, it really helped ease the tension of my day. . I know I have a lot on my mind right now, but I promise next week we’ll spend more time alone together. . Maybe just stay in bed all weekend and watch movies and eat.”
“I just want you to know that although I don’t show it often, I really do love you. You are my other half, you’re the first person who really knows the real me. I don’t care what society dictates; all I know is that I’m happy with you, with our love . . .”
The ink was smudged at this point and I couldn’t decipher the rest of the words. I looked at the top of the letter; it was dated July 1993. Puzzled, I look at the paper I placed on my lap. . The handwriting seemed familiar. . Hoping to find some clue, I opened the second note. It was the continuation of the first page!
A single line seemed to jump at me from the page.
“I’m prepared to find out if this is really my path in life, I’m prepared to face my ghosts, prepared to discover who I am, with you! I love you darling- Sylvia”.
My heart leapt to my throat as I read the last lines. Sylvia. My aunt’s best friend of 20 years, our “tita Sylvia” with the infectious laughter and the gorgeous long hair, my girl cousins and me envied. Tita Sylvia with the soft, unassuming voice of someone who’s painfully shy.
I pondered at the immensity of what I read. It just didn’t seem possible! True, they were extremely close to each other, they both are old maids up to this day and they live in one roof; in tita’s house. Ohmigod. Slowly things started to dawn on me. So that is why tita Sylvia never bought her own place.
Nobody had a clue. They must’ve been painfully discreet to keep the secret for far too long. I suddenly remember the quiet, affectionate look that passed between them, at too many family gatherings but I shrugged it off as a normal occurrence between two very close friends. It didn’t occur to me that it may be something else. Looking back, they really seemed so in love with each other. I remember Sunday afternoons at my aunt’s place , watching the two of them baking up a storm while dancing. It was almost a routine with them, while they were cooking side-by-side, salsa music blaring from the stereo, full blast. I remembered the laughter, the food fight, the flour dust, flying in the air. They seemed so carefree, so happy together.
Tita Sylvia was considered as a part of the family. I just don’t know if my grandparents had any suspicion, it didn’t seem likely though. My aunt’s sexual orientation was never a question. It just didn’t occur to us. I mean, she had her share of past love affairs and boyfriends. But somehow, they didn’t work out. Our family had already accepected the fact that my beautiful aunt wouldn’t ever get married. Whenever someone would ask her “Kelan ka ba magaasawa dids?” She would just laugh it off and say “Masarap maging single” And we left it at that.
I don’t know how long I must have sat there on the dusty floorboards of my aunt’s library, holding the letter in my hand . I felt an indescribable feeling of sadness wash over me, for those two people who are very dear to me. What kind of society would condemn people to not love each other openly? I understood why they have to keep it as a secret. People would never understand. People would get hurt, especially the family. They must have decided that keeping their relationship as a secret is the best thing to do. Maybe they don’t want to face the angry confrontations, the pitying look of those who are narrow minded. Maybe they want to keep away from prying eyes and enjoy their love privately. I respect their choice, I just wish, fervently , that one day, they wouldn’t have to hide their love from the world anymore. As for me, I would keep their secret to my grave.
* disclaimer: names has been changed*
